i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
