You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
