everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
this beer tastes like vomit already
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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