So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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