Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We were destined to go to rehab together
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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