Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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