remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
