i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
