maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
NoShamevember. You game?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
