When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just want to make out with him forever
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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