He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dick very happy bro
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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