help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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