mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
