if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
