Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
