Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
