i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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