Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
