Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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