I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
