just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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