I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
