I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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