guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The air taste purple.
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