no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
