Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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