I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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