I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
