the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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