Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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