miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
