i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
