What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
