Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So vagazzling was a success
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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