I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
