Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
