Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
