How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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