he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
