i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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