My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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