I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
