I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
