You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
