There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
