i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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