He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
