mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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