I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
