Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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