Nicole vs. Life
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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