at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
