I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
