my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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