You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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