TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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