the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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