just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize