Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
