If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
